Monday Night Raw
May 13, 2013
-We get a recap of last week’s Raw with Cena/Ryback/Shield, then the anticipated Brock Lesnar/Triple H confrontation. Welcome to the Go Home edition of Raw in Jim Ross country. Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and he says Chris Jericho will take on Fandango in a rematch from Wrestlemania. There’s a dance floor in the ring, which means tonight is a dance-off! Well I guess something needs to rebuild this feud that’s been in limbo. Fandango’s dancing tights are pretty cool. Jerry says this isn’t a popularity contest. Fandango says love him or not, his talent must be respected. Jericho says he has good luck on Raw with contests, and he mentions his musical chairs win in 2004. Wow this segment is already too long and they haven’t even danced yet. Fandango goes first, and he’s not dancing while the music is going. He stops the music, and tells the crowd to shush, as he needs to concentrate and focus. During the routine Summer his partner fell and she’s holding her ankle. Fandango could care less. This opening segment is terrible. Fandango had left the ring but then comes back in and attacks Jericho from behind. He beats Jericho down in and around the ring, including throwing him into the barricade. He then takes a piece of the dance floor and waits for Jericho to get up, then crushes him in the head with it. He gets back in the ring, and it turns out Summer Raw wasn’t injured after all, so even his partner is a heel. Now that’s creative, I agree with JBL on this.
-Tonight we have a 6-man elimination tag match, as John Cena and Team Hell No face the Shield.
MATCH: Zack Ryder vs. Ryback
-Ugh, I’m just sick of everybody. Can this damn PPV just happen already? I said this last week and I’ll say it again: Six weeks from Wrestlemania to a secondary PPV is way too long. The matches aren’t juicy enough to make them matter. What I’m not getting is that WWE is pimping the WWE App so you can watch something else while Raw is on. That makes a whole lot of friggin sense. Ryback wins easily.
-We start looking through the HHH/Lesnar timeline and we go back to last April 2012, when Lesnar attacked Triple H and broke his arm the first time.
MATCH: Tons of Funk vs. Primetime Players
-Haven’t seen Titus & D-Young in the ring for a few weeks. Maybe they’re starting up some form of a tag division. Cole just said Raw can be seen in the Vatican. Say a prayer Pope Francis that Sunday’s show won’t be terrible. Primetime Players win with some heel chicanery. These guys should get a title shot. It turns out DY used his pick to win the match? Maybe they shouldn’t get a title shot.
-So it turns out that Dolph Ziggler got a concussion from last Friday’s Smackdown skirmish and Jack Swagger’s boot. After the break, Striker has SD’s senior adviser Teddy Long with him, and it turns out that Ziggler won’t be able to compete at Extreme Rules. Teddy’s about to say something when Swagger, Colter, Langston and AJ come out and start sniping at each other. At Extreme Rules, Swagger and Alberto Del Rio will compete in an “I Quit” #1 contenders match. Wow this card is truly circling the bowl. Later tonight Big E will face either Swagger or Del Rio, based on fan vote later in the show.
MATCH: Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow
-So it’s announced that Kofi will defend the US Title against Dean Ambrose at Extreme Rules. They definitely knew that the card sucked donkey balls and needed some juice. SILENCE! Decent TV match, and Kofi wins with TIP. He and Ambrose with PPV time could tear the house down.
-Mark Henry comes down to the ring with a strap. We go back to JBL’s strap match with Eddie Guerrero at the 2004 Great American Bash. Josh Matthews is in the ring with Henry, and he intros a series of clips from the past couple shows, including last week when Sheamus was beat down with a belt. Henry says if no one thinks he can drag Sheamus to four corners, check out last week on Smackdown when he dragged 2 tractor trailers. Josh asks how he’ll win the match, and Henry says he’ll show Josh. So he puts the strap on and Henry abuses him to show how the match will be won. He drags Josh around and touches all four corners. He then calls Sheamus out to get the job done tonight. After some hesitation, Sheamus indeeds comes out. Sheamus says he will be in the ring next week, and Henry says come down and fight now. Henry calls Sheamus a coward. Sheamus says he never backs down, blah blah blah. Sheamus comes down the ramp to the ring and tells Henry to move his arse so he can get in the ring. Sheamus says there’s a present under the ring, and its another strap. He grabs it and gets in the ring. They start smacking each other until Sheamus gets the advantage and Henry bolts.
-We go back to another chapter in the Triple H/Brock Lesnar rivalry, and its in January when Brock F5’s Vince McMahon.
-We get a trailer for “12 Rounds 2” with Randy Orton, straight to Blu-Ray. Figures.
MATCH: Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton
-Oh for Christ’s Sakes, again? Really? They just fought LAST WEDNESDAY! I’m not even going to talk about it. Orton wins.
MATCH: Heath Slater vs. The Miz
-I was just thinking about 5 minutes ago where the hell the Miz was. Now I know. The Miz will face Cody Rhodes on the You Tube pre-show Sunday before Extreme Rules. I’m not sure if they’re doing the pre and post show stuff like Mania. Probably not. Again during the match they say you can go to the WWE App to see a Wade Barrett interview. It’s probably more exciting than anything that’s on tonight. It’s pretty much a glorified squash and Miz wins with the Figure Four.
-We have a piece on the Susan G, Komen Global Race for the Cure.
-We continue the video timeline of Triple H/Brock Lesnar from when The Game returned earlier in the year to set up the Wrestlemania match.
6-MAN ELIMINATION TAG MATCH: John Cena & Team Hell No vs. The Shield
-So they will end tonight’s Raw with Lesnar/HHH. Smart move. No one cares about this Cena/Ryback feud except when the Shield is involved. It is now announced that Team Hell No will face Rollins and Reigns in a Tornado match for the titles. Wow creative really knew this card sucked ass and put the 3 hottest guys in title matches. A great idea. Bryan was using a cool submission method on Ambrose’s arm. Wednesday on Main Event, Seth Rollins will face Kane. That’s a match I’ll watch because it’s fresh. They go to break during action so you can watch the match on the WWE App. Pretty soon you’ll have to pay for it, mark my words. As usual, this match is great, and Kane is the one shining. He’s flying all over the place and is tossing Ambrose everywhere. Kane was eliminated first, so as expected the Shield have the edge. I love how Cena’s ankle isn’t taped anymore. I guess the whole injury angle is done, or are we supposed to not be paying attention? Who cares anyway. At least this match is really good. As expected Bryan is eliminated and Cena is alone. If he single handedly takes the Shield out I am no longer watching Raw and these blogs end now. He eliminates Rollins with an FU. Reigns gets DQ’ed for shoving the referee. I’m starting to delete the file…can Ambrose get the pin? Nope Cena kicks out. So it’s Cena and Ambrose. Clearly Dean is the face of the Shield, so Cena puts him in the STF and the other two come back in and beat him down. So Cena wins the match, but only one guy gets pinned. So I’m ok with that.
-Afterwards Cena gets the Triple Power Bomb. Then Ryback comes in and we think he’ll pick the bones, but he walks away. Then he turns around, grabs a chair and smacks Cena’s injured ankle. The one that was taped for one week then forgotten.
-We continue the video timeline of Triple H/Brock Lesnar with their war at Wrestlemania.
MATCH: Big E. Langston vs. Jack Swagger
-So Swagger won the poll 65-35 to get this match. No Dolph on Sunday, which means only one big title match. They definitely added the Shield matches in an audible to beef up an already weak card that got weaker. The match hasn’t been bad, as both men are big dudes who work stiff, particularly Langston who’s still sowing his oats. Both men brawl into the crowd and Langston is left on the floor. Swagger gets back in the ring and Big E is counted out.
-Afterwards Alberto Del Rio comes in and the brawl is on. Del Rio cleans Swagger out and he leaves the ring.
MATCH: AJ vs. Natalya
-Ugh. Kaitlyn is at the broadcast table with more gifts from her “secret admirer”. It’s probably the Bellas or some cruel trick. Oh they’re at the table too. Its this over yet? AJ does some weird submission to Natalya and Pinky taps out.
-Striker is with Jericho, who says the games with Fandango are over and he will kick his ass at Extreme Rules.
-TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! Triple H comes down to the ring, and a steel cage lowers. Hehehehe. Trips says with all that’s gone down the past year, nothing has been settled. In this ring, his other office, he’s learned how to fight here. He was taught to succeed you have to hate. He says he’s at his best when surrounded by steel. He invites Brock Lesnar and out the man-beast comes. Heyman was about to do the whole introducing when HHH shuts him up and tells Brock to get into the cage. Heyman says hate is taboo in WWE. Heyman says Triple H will HATE getting carried out of the cage broken and beaten in front of your family. In the whole scope of things, Brock will not fight for free. Brock’s music starts, but HHH cuts it off. Trips says all this time it’s not about Brock not being a man, it’s about Paul not affording to let Brock fight now. He says Paul is all about the paycheck. Triple H knows Brock believes he’s the baddest man in the room. So Triple H isn’t going to talk to Paul anymore, he’s going to talk to Brock. Are you Paul’s puppet, or are you the man-beast? Brock’s had enough and is walking down the ramp, the referees are trying to stop him but they won’t. He’s at the door of the cage, and he walks up the steps. Brock gets into the cage and puts one foot through the ropes, then the rest. So both men are in the ring and the cage. They stare for a few moments, and then start brawling. Lesnar had the advantage but HHH was thrown through the cage door. Lesnar grabs Paul and leaves up the ramp. HHH’s music hits, and with that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: Average, but the Shield now have title matches at the PPV. That helps it a little bit.
Scott’s Raw Top 5:
1) John Cena
4) Team Hell No
5) Wade Barrett